


How To

by kihyunyoo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Eventual Romance, Light Angst, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, changki rise 2k17, hyunwoo was mentioned, im sorry i couldnt include wonho and joo, you can see hyungwon if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 15:36:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12844215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihyunyoo/pseuds/kihyunyoo
Summary: Kihyun learns a thing or two. He knows better to not go beyond the allowed scale he put up. Yet here he is, still falling.





	How To

**Author's Note:**

> I am back for this rushed... idk what to call this.  
> It was all because of that sad song I heard on my playlist that I cant quite recall adding.
> 
> Anyway, this part is a late congratulatory message for my boys on getting their first win! 171114, never forget.
> 
> Also, belated happy birthday to Minhyuk and my man Yoo Ki hehe. pls dont fite me

**1\. HOW TO FEIGN HURT**

Kihyun sees him walking across the street. He smiles, because Changkyun appears to be a lot more appealing every time he gets to have a glimpse of that face. The chocolate haired glanced at the traffic sign, still red, and he shifts his eyes again. Kihyun’s eyes widen in surprise. The content of his thoughts is staring right at him, head tilted a little to the side, and lips formed into a small smile.

The elder didn’t have any second thoughts because after a heartbeat, he sees himself smiling back. The people started to cross the pedestrian lane. It was Kihyun’s cue to move along. What he failed to notice earlier was the tall, lanky male, now walking side by side Changkyun, shoulders almost touching. If his breathing stops the moment their paths crossed, but never really met, he hasn’t let it show. Instead, he flashes his brightest smile and greets the two politely in haste as they have no time to linger around each other for a while longer.

Kihyun bit his inner cheek, holding back the tears threatening to escape his eyes once he had finally crossed the street. He didn’t look back. He fished his sunglasses from his chest pocket and wore it. The unforgiving rays of the sun giving him the excuse to do so, shielding his eyes from it, and from the sight of his loved one with someone not him. Kihyun walked to where his office is, making sure to forget the endearing smile gracing the university boy's face as the younger looked at his companion.

_Kihyun has learned to swallow the things he wants to say after all these years of waiting... in vain._  
  
**2\. HOW TO BREAK**

After gathering the courage to confess, (that took him nearly 3 weeks of planning and rehearsing, a whole lot of advice from Minhyuk, _his self-proclaimed 'best friend'_ , and another lot of backing out) he finally had the guts to do so. It’s been around a month since said confession.

He got rejected, but in a way that he couldn’t even hold a grudge against the younger.

The first day was hard. But today, it was breaking him in pieces. His breathing got compromised. His hard crying reduced to sobs that limits his chance to inhale a decent amount of oxygen his body needs. The longer the time drags, the more it is difficult to accept. He thought that if he let his feelings out, he’ll feel lighter- feel free, but he was wrong. The rejection was certain, but the impact was too much for him to bear.

It’s as if Thor’s hammer - the Mjölnir - has been placed over his heart and he can’t lift it, as if waiting for _‘the one’_ to free him. Only realizing _‘the one’ is never going to come_. He is sure he was made for Changkyun, but maybe, Changkyun is made for someone else. It did hurt after realizing that, more than a couple times if you’d ask him- much too much. Kihyun helplessly begs for his heart to stop aching.

In time, probably.

Maybe it’s his fault, for letting someone take hold of his heart without any assurance that they will grip at it tight. Changkyun isn’t hard to love, Kihyun is the living proof. He unknowingly drifted to the younger’s circle, and he couldn’t help but to feel. He isn’t blaming Changkyun though, not even a chance. After all, he doesn’t have the obligation to feel the same way for Kihyun.

For the mean time, Kihyun will embrace this feeling, will let it haunt him in his sleep, in his wake, every time he breathes, every second of his existence.

_Kihyun learns that he will keep breaking, until it’s enough._  
  
**3\. HOW TO LIVE**

Moving halfway across the globe was the first step he took. Being in the same place, breathing the same air, it made Kihyun vulnerable to pain. Changkyun just seems to be everywhere. That’s how much he loved the younger. He can’t even change the fact that they share the same circle of friends. Every get together seeps at the scar and reopens the wound. So he booked a flight to Ireland around 2am where his anxiety was the greatest. 

Kihyun finally took the job from a friend that he kept declining a couple months back. Paying for that airfare on a Tuesday morning was the perfect time, the only choice available at the moment. Without proper farewells or head ups from any of his friends, he finds himself smiling at the new beginning that awaits him. He grips at his luggage and walked towards the exit of the airport and hailed a cab, heading off to the specified address his friend gave him.

He hadn’t noticed how he was missing out on a lot of things. Kihyun had missed taking photos of people, of certain small moments, the nature- signs of life. He finally felt so alive after that one day when he heard Changkyun’s weak response of _‘I’m sorry, hyung’_. Kihyun smiles as he takes a snap of a bird that looks like it's taking its sweet bath on the pond. The scene was so natural- so bird-like, and he loved it.

_Kihyun learns that this is what it feels like to finally accept things that aren’t meant for him._  
  
**4\. HOW TO REMEMBER**

Kihyun took a deep breath as he takes in the view of the all too familiar airport. He is back. He went home after nearly four years of living in a foreign land by himself, with some casual visit and night outs from the said friend that helped him to get there in the first place, Hyunwoo. He received tons of emails and missed calls from their friends, from Changkyun as well but Kihyun decided to not get in touch with any of them. He needed time for himself, for his heart to heal.

Now he is ready to face them all with a genuine smile plastered over his face.  
  
  
  
“Kihyun! Just what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Kihyun smiled, **yes**. He is finally home. He surely can’t dismiss the truth that he had missed Minhyuk and his habit of over-reacting. “I’m sorry. I have my reasons.” He explained simply as he pats the slightly older male’s back, clenching his fist on the cloth unconsciously in the process. 

Minhyuk lets out a soft sigh as he pulls away from the vice grip-like hug and cups the younger’s face. His eyes are filled with both worry and relief. “Fuck you, and your reasons.” The dark haired male finally said and it made Kihyun chortle. “Hey, is that how you greet an old friend after years of not seeing each other?” Kihyun smiles smugly because he knows he has the upper hand.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how leaving your close friends behind, for years without any communication, look like.”

That is enough to make Kihyun freeze in his spot. Where in the world did he came from? He didn’t know Changkyun would tag along. Mainly because the younger doesn’t have any reason to. Panic starts to rise in Kihyun's system as his eyes darted to the ground, not knowing what to say. He in deed got caught off guard this time. Minhyuk had sensed the slightly building tension and let out a soft chuckle. “Now, now, let’s give him some rest, the flight was tiresome. I’m sure of it.”

Kihyun has never been more thankful to the elder than now.  
  
  
  
It was around 1AM in Minhyuk’s apartment that the jet lag started to kick in. Kihyun swung his feet across the cold tiled floor and began trudging to the living room. He grabbed his coat on the rack and draped it over his shoulder. He slipped on Minhyuk’s over-worn sneakers and went out of the unit. He was slightly freezing but he didn’t mind. Colds be damned.

Kihyun walked slowly by the dead street. It was quiet, but not too dark. There are ample amount of street lights. It calms his muscles, his uneasy mind. He passed by a 24/7 open convenience store and stopped at the entrance to maybe get a cup of coffee but decided the next second that he doesn’t need one. So Kihyun continued to walk forward without any particular place in mind to settle in.

“Why did you leave like that?” Kihyun visibly jumped a little from his position and whipped his body, turning around. He is now facing a slightly breathless Changkyun. His mouth forming out soft puffs of smoke-like air from that cold night in Mid-December. Kihyun eyed the younger male’s uniform and realized that he was the man behind the cash register on the c-store he had just passed.

Kihyun chewed on his inner cheek before sighing a little heavily. He doesn’t have anything to hide now does he? “It seemed like goodbyes didn’t really matter at that time.” Kihyun truthfully says and pocketed his hands. The jet-lagged male began walking again. This time allowing the younger to catch up with him, glancing at Changkyun from time to time.

There was a long pause- just the sound of their footsteps hitting the solid ground, some occasional honking of horns, and their soft breathing being heard.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” This was sudden, and too cliched. All Kihyun could do was to stop in his tracks to take a good look at Changkyun. The younger’s facial expression is solemn. There are things his eyes desperately wants to convey because he failed to put it in words. Changkyun smiled weakly, unshed tears taking refuge at the corner of his eyes. 

_Kihyun understands._

“It’s alright, no need to be sorry about anything.” He patted the younger’s shoulder. Kihyun smiled, and this time it was sincere. Changkyun didn’t really owe him any apology. Kihyun ~~was~~ is in love with him, Changkyun wasn’t. Sometimes, things just doesn’t go the way people expect them to be, and Kihyun has learned about them the hard way.

Kihyun is now okay with that.

“I hurt you, and I was stupid. I was young and naïve. Hyung I didn’t know.” Changkyun’s voice broke somewhere in the middle of the sentence, eyes glassy, lips quivering. Kihyun glanced at him with pure concern and patted his shoulder once again, as if to say ‘continue with what you are trying to say’. “Hyung… I-“ The younger looked at him with desperate eyes. His expression pleading.

Kihyun knows what this is all about.

“I like you.” 

_Kihyun is right._

He remembers the feeling. He remembers the way he had mustered up the courage to confess to the younger years back. He remembers the unsure tone, the scared glances, and the uncertainty of the myriad of emotions ready to pounce at him. It’s like Changkyun is reliving Kihyun’s position when it was the older who had confessed back then.

Kihyun remembers being in love. _No,_ he doesn't need to remember because he had always been. Changkyun once evaded his thoughts and never actually left.

It was too quiet, and every second passing seemed to disrupt Changkyun’s airway. He can’t breathe. The silence coming from Kihyun is deafening. Suddenly, the world stopped, the time refused to tick, and Kihyun was holding the universe in his hands, as if Changkyun is at his mercy.

Before the younger can react, he was being pulled into a tight hug. He couldn’t believe how perfect they fit around each other- how every crevice interlocks with one another, how every question seemed to have an answer, and how nice it feels to finally get your feelings across that great divide.

_Kihyun learns that not all rejections lead to permanent closed doors, and that not all broken hearts remain broken. He learns that life has its own way of fixing things and sometimes, all you had to do is go along with it._

_Changkyun learns that there is always a perfect timing for everything. Not today, not when you need it to, but someday, somehow. It will come if you truly deserved it._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading...
> 
> Comments are really nice!
> 
> Constructive criticisms are welcomed and entertained.
> 
> ily


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